Saturday, August 20, 2011

Dua for My Home Life



Allah, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Ameen.

Things are very stressful at home right now. I know that we are not supposed to say negative things about people. Insha'Allah I will do my best to word this post as to not sound negative toward others, but I feel that I must get this out. Holding in my stress is getting me nowhere.

you already know about the financial stressed we are under. My husband's job and my father-in-law's lack of a job are both difficult tests that I think this family is being put under. I am an hourly employee and am allowed to get overtime, so in order to bring in extra money I've been working a few extra hours at work each week. I usually cut my lunch break short and come in a half hour earlier so I can get in an extra five hours each week on my check. My point is that I work a lot too. I know my husband puts in a lot of hours but he's not the only one. What he doesn't seem to understand is that the day doesn't end when I walk out of the office in the afternoon.

When I get home I have to cook dinner, clean up the kitchen, wash laundry, fold laundry, get my daughter fed and bathed, clean up the living room, pay bills, take care of the yard, etc. There's always something that needs to be done. I get no help from the people in my house on any of this stuff. With three adults living in this house, why is it that only one handles the house maintenance? Honestly...one of these people isn't working so he could do a lot more to help keep the house in order but he chooses to spend his time playing on his computer and watching TV. And I know my husband works a lot...but so do I. When he gets home he sits down in front of the TV, turns on NCIS, and stays there until time for bed. I bring him his dinner, he eats, and goes back to the TV. Meanwhile I take care of the stuff listed above.

It is any wonder that I am frustrated with my home life? I am just getting so tired of being the gardener, the maid, the accountant, and the chef. I know this may be a bit on the personal side, but there are no marital relations taking place either. I have tried initiating things and honestly he fell asleep the last time I tried.

I am the only Muslim in my house. My husband and father-in-law are both Christians. Perhaps I am looking at things differently than they are partly because of our religious differences. I have tried talking with my husband about the situation. We actually got into a very heated discussion on my way home from work on Wednesday afternoon about this. I'd called him at work to talk for a moment and brought up his father's laziness. What did my husband do? The same thing he always does...defends his dad's actions and makes me out to be the bad guy. I also have asked my husband repeatedly to help me accomplish things around the house. One person cannot keep up with the mess of three adults plus a three yard old. It's insane how much needs to be done to maintain a tidy home when more people make messes than are cleaning them up. Every time he says the same thing..."Yes, I'm sorry and I'll help you more often." The change of heart lasts for about two days before he goes right back into his old ways.

Last night for example, I got home from work. His truck was parked on the street because I park close to the house. Fridays are trash pick up day in our neighborhood. That meant he had to walk right past the empty trash can on his way down the driveway. He could have easily grabbed the can and rolled it down the driveway on his way to the house. But no...he walked right past it and left it there. So when I got home I had to go get it. I know that's really not that big a of a deal, but all of these little things add up over time.

I have talked with my mom about my frustrations at home several times. This week she volunteered to let me and my daughter move back in with her if things got too bad. That's not what I want. I want my family to work. Still, she asked me a very valid question. "How long are you going to be able to handle it before you say enough's enough?"

I am just going to have to turn this problem over to Allah. If I am meant to be here, I pray that He will make things better for us at home. And if I am not meant to be here, I pray He will make such a transition easy. At this point it's in His hands.

1 comment:

  1. I totally understand where you're coming from. At this point, I'm a stay at home mom, but I worked previously and I felt the same way. Even since stopping working, last semester my husband had such an easy schedule, and he still did not do much to help around the house. He would sit on his computer, watch tv, or play video games for hours while I ran around like a crazy woman. There were times he'd be like, why don't you sit and relax with me, and it's like "REALLY!?" Maybe he needs to work a bit more and I need to chill a bit more, but my goodness is it frustrating. I actually find your post a relief, that these Christian/American men are behaving in similar ways to my (Saudi) husband. Sometimes I chalk it up to cultural difference and wonder if I made a mistake, but your tale let's me know I could have encountered this attitude with any man regardless of faith or culture. As to moving out, I think this is a problem that can be handled in a less severe way. Maybe make a "chore calendar" letting your father-in-law and husband know that since you're doing your share of "bread winning" they need to do their share of house keeping? My husband does have the duties of taking out the garbage, cleaning the toilets, and cooking on weekends. If I'm totally honest with myself, I know I don't really trust that he'll do anything else as well as me...

    Anyway, enough about me. I do agree that things need to change. There is no way for you to keep up with this type of schedule without eventually just breaking down. I pray that Allah gives you an opportunity to talk to the men in your life who aren't carrying their weight and that he opens their hearts to actually hearing what you have to say and then acting on it. Ameen!

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